I Saw the Light

I died two years and 11 days ago on the operating table.

I realized it this morning amidst tears upon waking from a night of restless sleep.

As I laid there, I questioned it. I unpacked it. I untangled it.

Two weeks ago, my teacher said she saw me as healed and whole. I didn't believe her.

I didn't believe her until this morning amidst tears upon waking from a night of restless sleep.

Untangling truth.

I find myself in a constant state of untangling truth.

I realized this morning that both my death and my healing/wholeness result from choosing love.

I was raised in fear.

I was raised by a mother who didn't have the privilege of recognizing her own light.

Bipolar Disorder, untangled mental health issues and trauma dimmed any hope she ever had of realizing her own light. Being susceptible to that darkness, that Bipolar Disorder, those mental health issues and that trauma have long since been my biggest fears.

The closer I come to my spiritual Self, the more I dance with Angels, feel Spirit and know the unknowable, the greater my fear is triggered. Am I becoming like my mom? Am I delusional? Have I inherited the darkness she inherited?

I was taught to fear my dad. I haven't seen him in 29 years, but that residual fear was ingrained long ago. I festered hatred for him for many years. Stories of infidelity, instability, mistrust and addiction were relayed. My mother had no choice but to fear him. Her culture, beliefs and past behavior served her up with no choice, with no accessible light.

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"Child of the Light" - Gili Air, Lombok, Indonesia

I forgive my mother.

She did the best she could with what she had.

May all between us become pure light.

I forgive my father.

He did the best he could with what he had.

May all between us become pure light.

I closely held my parents' darkness as the largest fear of my life until realizing a greater fear two years and 11 days ago, when I thought I was going to die on the operating table.

This morning, I realized Truth.

I realized that I trust no thing. I realized that I trust no one. 

I also recognized, perhaps for the very first time in my life, my Light. 

I acknowledge that I realized my greatest fear. I did die on that operating table.

Benign tumors, my uterus, ancient issues, lineage trauma, parts of my Self, parts of my mother, parts of my father, parts of anyone who ever has or will hurt my heart, parts of my darkness, parts of their darkness were all cut out.

They were sacrificed so that I could realize, in this very moment right here, my own Light.

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"Muck Blooms" - Ubud, Bali, Indonesia

I choose to recognize my wholeness.

I choose to recognize that I am healed.

I choose to recognize my Light.

I choose light. 

I choose love.

As an introvert raised by fear, every choice I make to connect takes courage. Every revelation takes courage. Every word of this blog takes courage. Every phone call, text message, email takes courage. Every relationship I enter into takes courage.

Every choice of light over dark takes courage. 

Every choice of love over fear takes courage.

Each and every time I choose to come closer, rather than crawl in a hole, I choose courage. 

Each and every time I choose the light, I choose courage. 

Each and every time I choose love, I choose courage.

Taking/Choosing Giving/Receiving Same/Same

May this ancient prayer of ancestral forgiveness guide you to your healing, your wholeness, your Light, your Dark, your love and your death. Same/same: 

If I, my families, relatives or ancestors have offended you, your families, relatives or ancestors in thoughts, words, or actions from the beginning of our creation to the present, humbly, humbly we ask everyone for forgiveness for all of our errors. We ask that together we now be released from all unwanted bonds and memories, and that all between us become pure light.

Obeisance to you, Oh, gentle ancestors

 May the traumas of all ancestors, living and passed on, be healed.

May it Be So. Now. Shanti Shanti.

Infinite love and gratitude to my teachers, friends, family, relatives, ancestors and every being who has recognized the Light in me. Thank you for inviting me to gracefully seek and find the Light within me. ♥

Growth, Love and Church

As I gaze out at the trees, I am serenaded by the songs of the birds in a small town in North Carolina and I am grateful. Having just completed the most difficult retreat of my life, I reflect on that experience and remind myself how lucky I am to practice, how lucky we all are to carve out time for growth. 

Upon completion of my retreat, I made the drive from Maryland to North Carolina. When passing through Virginia, I was treated to an impromptu tour of my elementary and middle school. Roaming the halls and stepping into classrooms I hadn't entered in nearly 30 years can't help but conjure up nostalgia. Growing up Catholic, attending parochial school from preschool to 12th grade, I was raised with the doctrine. I went to church twice a week. I believed much of what I was taught. I've learned since then that church comes in many forms. 

When I went to college, everything changed for me. I changed - for me. I learned that the "other" was not to be feared. I stopped attending Mass, much to my mom's dismay. I studied the world. I studied the "other." Majoring in Social Work, I volunteered actively, I sought out the most diverse populations to serve, so I could stretch and grow. I learned to love the "other." Serving others was the closest I'd ever come to God.

18 long years ago, I selected a Yoga course to fulfill one of my college requirements. The class planted seeds that I unknowingly cultivated until my early twenties, when I found my way to spirituality. A belly dancing class was a gateway into spirituality. Church comes in many forms. Illuminating my path since then, my most beloved teacher, RoseMa, has served as a beacon in both my darkest and brightest days. Her practices and unschooling educated me about the goddess I am. 

This spiritual path has bolstered reflection, forgiveness and spaciousness. I've been open to the myriad of sacred manifestations in my life. Dancing invited community and sisterhood. Movement gave way to meditation. Meditation issued an invitation for self reflection. Heartbreak ushered in the pursuit of refuge in an ashram in Colorado where I fostered my knowledge and practice. I earned my Yoga teacher training and the opportunity to receive training in bodywork. Giving back to others in this kinesthetic way left upon me an indelible mark. 

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"Set Free" - Butterfly Release in Monteverde, Costa Rica, 2009

From Colorado to Costa Rica to North Carolina to Portland, Oregon, I met the embrace of nature. She became my church. I spent time listening and gazing at the beauty around me. I learned to recognize Her as a reflection of the beauty within me.

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"Love in the Mountains" - Hike with Indigenous Women in Sapa, Vietnam 2015

In Portland, church took the form of Sunday morning ecstatic dance classes which expanded my heart, mind and boundaries. Returning to dance as the form that first drew me into spirituality felt like a full circle evolution. Evolution gave way to finally stepping directly onto my path as a healer. I found my way to BodyTalk, started facilitating weekly meditation groups, became attuned as a Reiki practitioner and actively worked as a Coach.

Travel and starting over has also been, for me, a form of spiritual practice. I continue to work with the elements and connect with others in my travels. Each new place is an opportunity for a fresh start. Each new place is an opportunity for new connections. From Nashville to Asia and now remotely, healing has become my church, my spiritual practice, the way I see God in myself and others. 

I am awed as I witness the growth around me.

I am awed as I reflect on the growth within me.

I am awed by the love around me.

I am awed by the love within me. ♥ 

I've Made My Bed

Regardless of where I am in the world, I make my bed every day. I can't remember when it became a part of my non-negotiable routine, but since reading about the benefits of this simple action, I feel incomplete if I leave the bed unmade. Since experiencing the tangible rewards of bed-making, I have no plans to unlearn the habit now. I know too much.

Gretchen Rubin's "The Happiness Project" reinforced the daily merit I've received from making my bed. She reports that the single action that contributes most to one's happiness is making his or her bed. Read that again, "the single action that contributes most to one's happiness is making his or her bed."

Don't believe it? Consult the infinite wisdom of Google. Countless articles site this bed-making-happiness connection. Rubin explains that, "your bed is a symbol of you. There’s something about having your bed feel orderly that makes your life feel that way." From the aesthetic appeal of a neater room to yielding a sense of accomplishment to lowering your stress level to inviting deeper sleep and even serving as the gateway habit to other good habits, making your bed is where it's at in terms of productivity and happiness.

The state of my physical space nearly always reflects the state of my mind. I've said this for years. Historically, when my room, home or office is a mess, something is out of balance. As much has been written about the inverse relationship, the benefits of decluttering a space to declutter your mind, I was excited to find the quote, "the state of your bed is the state of your head" to validate my experience. When my bed isn't made, something is going wrong.

Simply getting out of bed is hard on most days. I get it. It's hard for me, too. But taking two minutes to make your bed serves as mental training to prepare you for the things you don't always want to do. I like to think that making my bed each morning prepared me for the unexpected over the last several days.

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"Giving" - Taken at the coast in Oregon

Since returning to the US from my travels in Asia three weeks ago, the less than ideal transitional living situation I'd arranged erupted into a full-blown unsafe environment this past week. A discussion emerged out of left field and spiraled quickly into an actual threat of violence. Luckily, a steady mind gifted me the ability to pause. A steady mind gifted me the presence not to escalate the situation. A steady mind gifted me the ability to do something I didn't want to do, listen rather than talk, since so much was yearning to be said - to defend, to attack, to set the story straight.

Just because I'd made my bed didn't mean I had to lie in it.

Instead, I chose to pack my things and flee. Luckily, I was not alone. Luckily, I have resources and community, despite feeling alone and utterly obliterated over these last couple days.  Though I'm still reeling from the situation and continue to process it, I work diligently each day to ensure that the states of my head and heart are clear.

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"Me and the Sea" - Taken on the coast of California

Through meditation, writing, prayers, intentions and ritual, I actively cultivate a steady mind and an open heart. I am kind and giving. I engage in acts of service, even on my darkest days. I aim to lift my spirits and the spirits of others directly and indirectly. I even choose to send love to the perpetrator and instigator of the threats the other night. May they find their way to the peace. May they resolve the pain in their hearts.

I am grateful for the friends who have stepped in to selflessly give of their resources. I've actively sought self care to ensure that I am balanced. The past few days have not been easy. I certainly have moments where anger and upset flood my thoughts.  Nothing can prepare any of us for violence or threats of violence. My friends, violence towards yourself or others is never the answer.

Seek help. Pray. Get a breath of fresh air. Dance. Write. Spend some time in nature. Take a deep breath. Cry. Seek solace in the company of a trusted friend. Schedule a healing session. Move. Close your eyes. Center. Know that all is well. Trust that you will be okay and for God's sake (and for your sake) make your bed. ♥

If you or someone you know is in danger, please seek help. Battles are not meant to be fought alone. If you or someone you know is hurting, please help them in any way that you can without putting yourself in harm's way. We can't do these things alone. Love one another. There is help out there. Some resource numbers include: The National Suicide Hotline: 1 (800) 273-8255 and 1−800−799−SAFE (7233).  ♥

Illuminate 2016!

I quit resolutions, cold turkey, 5 years ago. Since then, I've never looked back. Instead, I've welcomed each New Year with intention in a myriad of creative ways that celebrate me, my unique journey and the aspirations I have for each New Year. Ushering in 2016 was no different. 

2016's blessings made their grand entrance days before January 1 through Facebook of all places. A friend shared Susannah Conway's course "Find your Word 2016." I didn't gravitate towards the free course right away, as I'd found my way to other expressions of New Year's intentions over the last several years.

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"Blown" - Taken in Portland, Oregon 2012

2012, my first year of trading resolutions for intentions, was one of my favorites. I deemed it the The Year of my Creativity. I buddied up with my pal, Groupon, to explore the cultural offerings of my hometown at the time, Portland, Oregon, on the cheap. I lived out my year of creative expression through African drumming, aerial yoga, glass blowing, hip hop, photography, sewing and creative writing groups and classes. I stretched physically, emotionally and creatively. This New Year's intention thing was a success and I was hooked! It was so much more enriching than setting a New Year's resolution that wouldn't make it out of its first month.

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"Balance amidst the Grief" - Taken in Chicago, IL 2013

In 2013, I fittingly chose two intentions for my first full year living in Nashville, TN - balance and harmony. Little did I know that these two words would serve as a beacon guiding me through one of the hardest years of my life. Balance and harmony encouraged me to choose self care and opportunities for support and community and provided me with the necessary grounding and healing through the unexpected loss of my mom, a scary diagnosis and the preparation for surgery the next year. 2014 gifted me with Danielle LaPorte's The Desire Map. I stepped up last minute as a bookclub leader and unknowingly stepped into a life-altering experience. 

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"Rising" - Taken during my first yoga practice post-op in Nashville, TN 2014

Courageous, ease and happy coursed through my veins and influenced nearly every decision I made in 2014. In lieu of intentions, I worked with The Desire Map's core desired feelings (cdfs) which prompted actions and choices based on feeling the way I wanted to feel. Last year, I continued with my cdfs, though they shifted a bit, to courageous, ease and ecstatic. I coupled them with Thich Nhat Hanh's poignant question, "will the New Year really be a new year, or will it be just a repetition of the old year?" I gathered my core desired feelings and answered Hanh with a resounding "no" by uprooting my entire life and traveling through Southeast Asia in 2015.

Last month, rather than giving thought to the quickly nearing New Year, I was rightfully knee-deep in the final weeks of my travels. Thankfully, my friend's Facebook post entered my newsfeed for the second time, finally grabbing my attention to join the 5 day free course to find my word for 2016. Free being even better than Groupon, the quality of the course content surprised me. Through the course’s thoughtful prompts, I formulated a list of 50 potential words down to one word, my word for 2016: illuminate!

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"Illuminate" - Taken in Portland, OR 2010

The last 31 days of 2016 have illuminated my whole being. I greeted 2016 through chanting, singing, dancing and meditating with kindred spirits at Anand Ashram on New Year's Eve in Ubud, Bali. I continued to illuminate 2016 by practicing yoga and dancing my heart's song with Michael Franti at the Yoga Barn on New Year's Day. By illuminating my life, I infused my last days in Bali earlier this month with a vibration that was the highest it's ever been. I felt resolve and clear-mindedness like I've never experienced. I treated my body with the purest foods and my heart and mind with the richest experiences. I honored my path and literally went wherever the illuminated path lead.

I continue to illuminate through thought, word and action since I've returned to the States. I aspire to illuminate the lives of others and extend the love of Mother Bali through a month of free healing sessions.

As the next 11 months unfold, I resolve to illuminate 2016! Stay tuned for all the light ♥

Connect with these questions and ideas to celebrate you, your unique journey and your aspirations for 2016:

• How do you plan to live 2016?

• What can you do to ensure that 2016 will truly be a New Year and not a repetition of the old year?

• How might you live with intention in 2016?

• Would it serve you to choose a word, theme or feeling to guide you in 2016?

• If so, try these on:

  • Go with your gut, as I did in 2012 and 2013. Sit in meditation with intention. Have a journal or piece of paper handy. Sit uninterrupted for at least 5 minutes. Close your eyes and ask, "what word or theme would best serve my highest good in 2016?" As words or thoughts arise, write them down. Spend time with each of the words after your meditation. Narrow to one or two words and commit to them. Set them as your intention for 2016!

  • If you'd like more guidance to select the feelings or words to inspire you in 2016, try Danielle LaPorte's The Desire Map and Susannah Conway's Find a Word 2016.

With Love from Mother Bali

As my 9 month trip through Southeast Asia wound down earlier this month, I honored my burning desire to visit the Saraswati Temple in Ubud, Bali one last time. Within moments of taking a seat outside the grand temple gates, it instantly became crystal clear what beckoned me there - a call for seva. As I gazed upon the Temple's beautiful lotus pond, the goddess wisdom residing at the Temple quickly imparted the message that I should offer a month of free healing sessions. 

That month is almost here! February 2016 will be honored as a month of Love from Mother Bali!

I'm elated to offer a month of seva - loving, selfless service without expectation. Service is one of the most integral threads of my core being. I'm pleased to gift 36 intuitive healing sessions throughout the month of February. 

Here's the skinny:

• I am offering 1 hour individual sessions throughout the month of February 2016. Read on for details or jump in by signing up for your individual session here! Just jot me a note that you are interested in a "Love from Mother Bali" session. 

• There is no expectation of action on your part, aside from signing up. All that is asked is a simple willingness to receive healing from Mother Bali, as transmitted through my meditation and hour long session. 

• I'm going into these sessions without expectation.

• I'm answering the strong pull to provide these sessions. The format of these sessions is new to me.

• I have no idea if I'll be called to simply sit in meditation or if I'll engage in healing modalities such as reiki, chakra work, sound healing or yoga during the hour-long focus on you.

• I'm incredibly honored to be the vessel through which to transmit Love from Mother Bali.

• As folks sign up, I will notify you of the day and time of your session via Facebook message. You need not be available during that time for a call or regular appointment with me. Though, if you are feeling called to sit in synchronous meditation during your scheduled session, I encourage you to honor that.

• Should there be any messages that emerge for you during your scheduled session, I'll absolutely relay them after the session.

With Love from Mother Bali ♥

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"Blooms" - Saraswati Temple, Ubud, Bali

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"Winged Presence" - Saraswati Temple, Ubud, Bali

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"Love Offerings" - Monkey Forest Rd. Ubud, Bali

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"Temple of Widsom" - Saraswati Temple, Ubud, Bali

I ♥ Cambodia

Written November 28, 2015

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"S 21" - Phnom Penh, Cambodia

Cambodia has helped me feel again. It's broken me wide open.

Perhaps it's from the collective trauma here or from the light reflected in the beautiful childrens' smiles, I don't know what it is I've connected with, but it's broken straight through.

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"Angel in the Temple" - Preah Ko Temple, Siem Reap, Cambodia

I am so very grateful to once again feel the flow of tears. I am so very grateful to again feel the burn of desire.

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"Touching Spirit" - Bakong Temple, Siem Reap, Cambodia

I'm so very grateful to FEEL.

I haven't felt in so long. I can't explain it. I can't put it into words, but this place is magic. Cambodia has worked its magic on me in ways I may not even recognize. I am so incredibly grateful from the tips of my toes to the top of my head to the entirety of my heart. 

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"Love to Cambodia" - Angkor Wat, Siem Reap, Cambodia

I am grateful.

I ♥ Cambodia is part of a collection of writings that chronicles my current inner journey through Southeast Asia.

moving towards

Written November 28, 2015

I want to move towards honesty

and no longer hide in the shadow of secrecy.

I want to move towards love

and no longer reside in the shadow of bitterness.

I want to move towards light

and no longer linger in the shadows of the dark.

I want to untether my wild, courageous heart.

I want to breathe in ease and breathe out love.

I want to release all that isn't serving my highest purpose and let all be pure light.

I want to resolve any tension in my heart

and allow honesty and love and light 

into every corner and crack and break.

I want all that is unseen to be seen.

I want all that is unspoken to be spoken.

I want all that is unheard to be heard -

from the whispers, to the cries, to the wails.

May they all be given voice.

and may all be released into the ethers.

May all become pure light.

May we all become pure light.

May all be pure light.

So it is.

moving towards is part of a collection of writings that chronicles my inner journey through Southeast Asia.

My Own Two Feet

Written September 2015

I've spent my entire adulthood in partnership to make up for a childhood of uncertainty. Never having to stand on my own two feet, I'm ready for independence. I'm ready to step forward into my authentic, courageous self. I'm curious about the choices I'll make. I'm curious about how I will survive. I'm curious about how I'll thrive.

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"Let Flow" - Gili Air, Indonesia

It is only when I set forth on a journey halfway around the world that I realized my deep need for independence in this way. It is only when I set forth on a journey halfway around the world that I recognized my need for a high degree of enmeshment. I am ready to let go. I am ready to breathe. I am ready to venture forth on my own.

I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm proud of myself. As I glanced at my feet on my yoga mat this morning, I wondered how they will hold up. I breathed into the connection, grounding and stability inherent in my own two feet. I felt the strength and stability in my feet and breathed in groundedness and connection. I breathed in capability and confidence and breathed out fear. I breathed in courage. I released fear.

This opportunity to recreate my life is exciting. It's scary, no doubt, but it's fresh, it's new. I want to live my way to the answers. I want to live the questions. My soul yearns for this choice. My heart trusts that my path serves my highest good. I recognize that it may not be easy. I also recognize I've laid the groundwork for a path filled with ease. As I near my fullest purpose, placing one foot in front of the other, I'm confident that I'm walking the path I was meant to walk, one step at a time.

Invite yourself to try this meditation, linking breath with intention. 

Find a stable, quiet place in which to stand.

Breathe into the connection, grounding and stability inherent in your own two feet. Feel the strength and stability in your feet. Breathe in groundedness and connection.

Feel the groundedness and connection coming up from the earth, seeping into your feet, your legs and spreading up your body all the way to the top of your head. Breathe in capability and confidence and breathe out fear.

Allow capability and confidence to likewise arise up from the earth, into your feet and then up your body.

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"The Way" - Mui Ne, Vietnam

Finally, breathe in courage. Allow it to seep up from the earth through your feet. Allow courage to fill your entire body.

Exhale and release any and all fear.

Finally, one last time, breathe in courage and exhale fully. 

My Own Two Feet is part of a collection of writings that chronicles my inner journey through Southeast Asia.

mending

I've had room to breathe

and vent 

and collect myself.

I am grateful to be able to pick up

the pieces.

By doing so, I am already

mending my heart.

I am full of grace and

gratitude. I am love.

I am love.

I am love.

mending is part of a collection of writings that chronicles my inner journey through Southeast Asia.

breathe

Written early July 2015

I can breathe easier now that I know what lies beneath.

   My soul has always known.

I can feel myself unraveling.

   The gateway to my soul was broken open

and cleansed by the river of my tears.

I feel free and I feel as if I can be me.

I feel as if I am getting stronger. I know I am. I have courage and believe in my strength.

I am powerful.

I am courageous.

I know the power of my soul. 

I am intimate with the power of my heart. 

I feel free and able to breathe.

I am happy. This is the right choice. 

I know that I can and will be in this

place where I can return -

this place of strength.

This place of knowing. 

   My soul has always known.

   I honor Her.

I bow to Her.

I am humbled by her wisdom.

I am renewed by her strength.

I am making the right choice.

I am light.

I am love.

breathe is part of a collection of writings that chronicles my inner journey through Southeast Asia.

Untethering

Early August 2015

It took me 36 years and 13 days to realize I've lived my life in full-on heart protection mode. The carnage has included countless missed opportunities in which to revel in the moment, cherish the relationship and simply be. The utterance of four words several months ago changed everything in my life as I knew it. Since then, intentional unbinding has been my modus operandi. My life has been comprised of intentional acts to cultivate freedom, untangle and release the ties that bound my heart. 

It's a process that by no means is over. However, today as I put it all together, I realize the nature of my bound heart and vow to take conscious action to continue the unbinding process. 

"I feel dead inside." As the words escaped my lips, intuitively, I knew they were a soul cry. Those four words unlocked a portal to change. As my heart and my soul cried out, yearning for something more, something better, they craved to be unbound, to taste freedom, to embody purpose. 

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"Heart Aflame" - Vientiane, Laos

With each conscious untethering, I've tentatively tiptoed out of the bounds of each previous constriction, testing the waters, dipping a toe into new and uncharted territory. What I've found is that with each new space, countless emotions arise. I honor each emotion by providing it breath and space to show up and fully occupy that space. The emotion then dissipates and a new version of myself emerges. 

Since the day of my soul cry, I've chosen to forgo the security of job, home, relationships and nearly everything I own to give space for my heart. My heart desperately craves space in which to thrive. By recognizing my truest feelings and honoring my deepest desires, I hope that I may learn unconditional love.

Unconditional love starts with the self.

I must love myself first - unconditionally. I must recognize the cries of the soul and honor the desires of the heart. The next steps on my path are unclear. However, the spiritual practices that resonate with me most have led me here, to this moment, one step closer to an unbound heart. 

Connect: I invite you to honor your own heart through this meditation practice.

Find a quiet space and at least five minutes of uninterrupted time. Tune into your heart center. It may help you to rest one or both hands on your heart.

Breathe into this space.

Draw your breath into your heart.

Ask your heart what constrictions exist. In what ways is your heart bound?

In the safety of the silence, ask how you might untether any heart wishes that lie just on the surface of the heart. 

When you feel ready, ask what desires lie deep within the heart and if there are any messages that might be helpful in realizing those desires.

Throughout the meditation, as emotions arise, pause. Give them space and breath.

Allow the emotions to occupy the space until they start to fade, and they will.

Simply trust the practice.

Give each emotion breath as it arises. Give it more space and more breath.

Let the emotion untether with each breath and gradually fade into the space.

Sit with your breath. 

As more emotions arise, rinse and repeat.

Take note of the heart wisdom that arises throughout your meditation. With regular practice, your ears will attune to the whispers of your heart so that you, too, may become untethered. ♥

Untethering is part of a collection of writings that chronicles my inner journey through Southeast Asia.

My Three Teachers in Luang Prabang

Written August 12, 2015

I stepped to the side to let him pass me on the sidewalk. He approached me and pointed to what I thought was the ground. As the rain steadily fell, my feet stood in a bit of flowing water. I thought, at first, that was what he was pointing to. His eyes met mine. I studied what few teeth he had left in his mouth. His skin was dirty. His clothes were tattered. He had a cloth bag draped over his body, attached was a plastic sack containing some fruit.

As he pointed his crooked finger again, he crouched, lowering his body until his hands made contact with the top of my flip-flopped feet. He touched my big toe, then my little toe, then flattened his hand over the entire top of my foot. I thought at first that the couple of walking meditation rounds I had just completed a block away, at the oldest stupa in Luang Prabang, Laos, had earned a blessing in a very direct way.

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"Inspired" - Luang Prabang, Laos

I stood agog, just observing. Then, he started trying to pick my feet up, trying to turn my right foot over while still in my sandal. I wasn't sure what to think at that point. I was simply in the moment, knowing full well that I didn't understand what was happening. 

Things started to shift. All of a sudden, he lowered himself to the soaking wet ground with his back to my lower right leg. At that point, panic set in. I repeated, "no, no, no, no, no" in Laotian, but he didn't budge. Finally, I had to physically remove his fingers, then his right arm from my body. Leaving him on the soaking wet ground wouldn't have been my first option, but as fear set in, I wasn't sure what to do. Had I been able to communicate with him, I would have wanted to help him up. 

As I walked away from him, I noticed 3 young Laotian women standing in the doorway of the nearby shops, taking in the exchange and laughing. In that moment, I experienced shame and was embarrassed about the last five minutes. I kept walking slowly in the rain, turning back time and again to ensure I wasn't being followed. 

My fear dissipated as soon as the saffron robes entered my peripheral vision. As the young monk quickly passed me, I centered back to the present moment, focused on the rain's steady pitter patter on my umbrella and the ground beneath my feet, the monk up ahead and the Nam Khan River to my right.

My soaking wet feet beckoned me to find refuge in one of the nearby temples to process all that just happened. The first temple I reached was closed. The second welcomed me with an empty meditation hall. As I sat down, the message was clear, I was to sit with shame, my own shame, but more so collective shame.

As I sat with the collective shame, images quickly flooded my mind. First, of the man recently at my feet. Then visions of another begging man and a young child at a local Buddhist temple entered my awareness. Three days before, while attending a temple ceremony, an older man sought our attention, squinted one eye, "aimed" his cane to the sky, aligned his face with the rounded handle of the cane and proceeded to "shoot" down what I can only imagine was my likeness. 

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"Soles" - Luang Prabang, Laos

Seated next to me during the Buddhist celebration was a young child. As he sat next to me on the ground with his legs folded underneath him and his delicate hands clasping one another resting on his lap, I could feel the tears welling in my eyes. His little three year old body sat incredibly still as he patiently awaited the monks' procession through the temple grounds. He wiggled only his tiny fingers every couple minutes. Something about this little boy immediately etched itself into my mind and heart. 

These three males, their similarities, their differences flashed through my mind as this collective shame settled heavily upon me. Tears again welled in my eyes as I sat alone in the temple. Then, the flick of a light switch, literally snapped me out of my mediation. At two minutes after 12, a monk entered my empty mediation hall to turn off the lights as a gentle sign for me to move on, as it was time for the monks' lunch.

As I exited the temple, the downpour that had started the night before, ceased to a light drizzle and the sun started to emerge from the clouds. I stepped away from the last two hours' events realizing that direct experience is all there is. I experienced all the emotions I utter in my daily metta mediation - fear, anger, guilt, sorrow, shame, anxiety and regret. As I walked the sidewalks of Luang Prabang, careful not to splash in the puddles, I experienced each of these emotions in my heart, mind and body. With each step, I felt unburdened by each.

I bless each of my three teachers, the man at my feet, the man with the cane and the sweet little soul with the wiggly fingers. I am grateful for their teachings and wish them happiness, health, wellbeing and metta in this moment, and always.

My Three Teachers in Luang Prabang is part of a collection of writings that chronicle my "inner journey" through Southeast Asia.

soul cry

Written July 2015

My soul

My soul cries.

Listening to my soul cry.

I witness the

   heaving

the breathing

   the gasping for air.

My soul cries

my soul's cry.

I am finally listening

   to my

   soul.

I hear you. I hear the very you that is me. I will miss. 

I will miss this love

I will miss this companionship.

What I will not miss is the imbalance

 The unbalanced way we care for each

other or one another,

the imbalanced ways we care for

our individual souls, our individual

selves

   crying.

It is loose.

   This love,

It is loose

this relationship

we lose

   this relationship

 It is gone.

It has been gone.

I am free.

I am free to follow my soul. I am free to follow the blow of the wind. 

I am free not to crumple up in a 

ball and crumble.

I am free to be strong.

I am free to follow my strong will.

I am free to breathe.

I am safe.

I am free and loose and following this one wild and precious life and I am free to do as I please.

I am free to let this soul go. I am free to let this soul go.

I am free to give him permission to grow.

I am free to give him permission to go.

I am free.

soul cry is part of a collection of writings that chronicles my current travels in Southeast Asia. 

Code Blue

Written July 31, 2015

"I feel dead inside." As the words escaped my lips a couple months ago, I knew immediately that they were the truest four words I'd spoken in a long time. Everything felt wrong. My life, itself, felt like it no longer fit me. My home, my workplace, my relationship, everything no longer fit my heart, my mind nor my soul. I wanted to escape.

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Sacred Heart - Luang Prabang, Laos

Since I uttered those words, everything has changed. I intentionally gifted and sold nearly everything I owned, I quit my job, canceled my lease and shaved my head. Certainly being willfully unemployed and homeless at 36 may not have been my vision for my life, but as I sit here overlooking a lotus pond surrounded by the hum of motorbikes and the faint breeze whispering through the palm trees in Luang Prabang, Laos, I affirm the choices that brought me to this point. 

I have to be honest, as I stand amidst the rubble of an eight year relationship, I've chosen to continue this trip with him. It's not easy, this commitment thing - in or out of a relationship. it's hard. It's hard to look at him the same way or even a different way and not feel nostalgia, not feel how easy it would be to slip back into an ill-fitting relationship plagued by bickering and anger. It no longer fits me. Just as I wouldn't want to go back to the same home, the same job, the same situations that precipitated my code blue. 

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Offered Heart - Luang Prabang, Laos

I have no idea where my choices will lead. I have no idea when or how or where I'll end up. I'm going by faith and trust in my self and my choices. I continue my daily spiritual practices and continue to take things one day at a time. It's all I've got to feel alive, one day at a time, to resuscitate my heart, my mind and my soul. 

Find a quiet space, bring your journal and invite yourself to connect with the following:

• Do I feel my most vibrant self in each area of my life (emotional and physical health, abundance, education, career, spiritual life, relationships)?

As you sit and reflect on each area of your life, notice in your body if there is sensation that arises as you consider each topic (heaviness, lightness, absence of feeling, temperature sensations). Notice where in your body you feel the sensation. Tune into the sensation by focusing on it.

If you feel called, ask the sensation what message or meaning it has for you. Our bodies are magnificent barometers to transmit both meaning and messages about our experiences. With the conscious practice of tuning into our bodies, we can free our emotional and spiritual selves, realize our unbound nature and experience unconditional love for our truest selves. 

• Are you feeling an imminent Code Blue in any area of your life?

If so, make the commitment to yourself for the next week to take at least 5 minutes each day to journal, meditate or otherwise check in with yourself. During this time, use the meditation above to tune into the area of challenge and provide your emotions with the space and breath to come to the surface. Again ask what messages or meanings the emotions and sensations have for you in each area of challenge, using them as a springboard for healing and resolution. ♥

Code Blue is part of a collection of writings that chronicles my current travels in Southeast Asia. 

cocoon

Written July 12, 2015

I am grateful for those experiences that turn my world upside down.

I am grateful for the different viewpoint.

I am grateful for the upheaval, the unburdening. 

I am grateful to have this time to reflect. I have so much light inside me. I have so much soul and heart inside me.

I love my life. 

I am grateful for my perspective. I am grateful for my ability to speak my Truth. I respect myself. I love myself. I am in this place of love. I have a cocoon of love surrounding me, nurturing me and healing me. 

cocoon is part of a series of writings that chronicles my current travels in Southeast Asia. 

Living the Search

June 2015

I shaved my head, I gifted or sold nearly everything I owned. I took this seriously. I set out mid-April on a soul quest, a sojourn, a spiritual journey halfway across the world.

My expedition in Southeast Asia started in Bali in April and is planned to end in Bali in January 2016 - 9 months. I'm birthing a new concept of self in these nine months. That much is clear from my journey thus far. 

Eighteen years ago, I had my first taste of international travel and I was hooked. I've spent the last eighteen years daydreaming about making extended travel a reality. It seems like a long time to wait. Had the journey taken place anytime over the last eighteen years, though, I don't think it would have had the spiritual depth this current trip carries with it. 

As I awoke one morning while still back in the States, I realized the gravity of the pilgrimage and started referring to it as a spiritual journey. By naming it, the magic started happening. 

I created rituals and wove intention into each step of the adventure. Doors opened and abundance and synchronicities abounded. As soon as I quit my day job, client referrals spiked. As I ridded myself of material goods, I felt lighter. The opportunities to say goodbye to friends and family became crystal clear and the timing worked out perfectly.   

As I talked with others about my upcoming travel plans, it inspired them to see themselves, and their own lives, in a different way. The question, "what's your Bali?" came to fruition. 

The spirit of the question, "what's your Bali?" is rooted in an intuitive sense, living the search for your Bali, rather than grasping at it in an intellectual way. The question spurred travel plans for some people, while others contemplated the nature of their roots, encouraging a home purchase, the pursuit of a promotion at work, validation of the power of existing relationships or a shifting in parenting styles. Others were inspired to downsize and still others thought about the aspects of their lives they wanted to change - career, relationships, finances or health situations. 

Nearly two months in, I recognize that living the search for me has a lot to do with major shake ups and dramatic acts like shaving my head or ridding of home, job and nearly everything I own. These acts serve as reminders to myself of the sanctity of the journey, reminders about why I'm doing this - to evolve myself, to learn and grow and to live the search.  I'm a seeker. I yearn to recognize the sacred in the everyday, to see the holy in the mundane. Travel provides me with perspective and cultivates opportunities for gratitude, as well as the uprooting I needed to foster a new appreciation for my life. 

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First Bali Beach - Sanur Beach, Sanur, Bali, Indonesia

Your shifts may look very different. Your Bali may have an entirely different flavor, color and shape. Regardless of your path, I encourage you to think about the question, "what is my Bali?"

What is that thing you've been yearning for, that thing you've been putting off, that thing that echoes your very heart song, your soul whisper, the thing you long for, the person you yearn to become, the role you dream about fulfilling - that thing, your thing, your Bali?

As I found through naming my travel "spiritual," intention inherently sparks magic. So, grab your journal and alight your magic! 

Take some quiet time to reflect on the following and feel free to share your beautiful revelations in the comments below:

• What have I been dreaming about doing?
• What might be holding me back?
• How can you I live my search to bring me closer to that experience?
• What's my Bali?

Stay tuned for the rest of the series of writings I crafted over the last 8 months of travel through Bali and beyond. ♥

Raw

I underestimated the power of vulnerability. With all the therapy and all the Brené Brown, you'd think I'd have known better. 

Instead of the promised revelations about the inner journey, I isolated. I turned inward. It is hard to describe a raw, journey of the heart. It is hard to strip down and be real. It is harder than I ever imagined. 

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Circle of Life in Ninh Binh, Vietnam

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Dockside Rainbow in Koh Rong Samloem, Cambodia

I envisioned a nine month trip full of rainbows and butterflies. I've seen plenty of both during my travels, but it doesn't characterize the nature of vulnerability or reality - the whole picture, that is.

This has been a hard journey, one of the hardest of my life, but I wouldn't take it back or trade it in. For the lessons I have learned, the choices I have made and the experiences I have had are priceless.

There have been many, many difficult times on this trip. There have been many times when my heart has absolutely sung. There have also been many times when my heart has absolutely shattered.  

I'm ready for courage. I'm ready for naked, raw vulnerability. My heart and soul have been crying out for some truth, scratching at the surface for some connection and screaming for some reality outside of that which exists directly in front of me.

Travel is not easy. It changes you, whether you are ready for change or not. Oftentimes, you have no choice. You have to leap. You have to leap and trust there is a net to catch that big, bold, wild and beautiful soul of yours who just had the raw courage to jump.

This is the first in a collection of writings that chronicles my current travels in Southeast Asia. 

Layers Healed, Layers Revealed

A year ago today, I firmly believed I was scheduled to die. Leading up to that day, I'd had visions of myself courageously dancing into the OR.

It didn't quite go down like that.

Instead, every cell in my body quivered. I was a bundle of nerves and a puddle of tears shortly after arriving at the hospital. I couldn't stop shaking. After my name was called and I was ushered to the room to be prepped for surgery, I thought I was not going to make it. Much of the rest of what happened that day is a blur. 

My cells remembered, though, as I parked the car this morning and walked to the building for my physical therapy appointment. Scheduled on the same day, just a year ago, one floor down, I must have needed something radical, like the removal of enormous benign tumors and the relinquishment of ever birthing children, so that I could awaken to the beauty of my life, so that I could awaken from surgery and live. 

Living is about breaking open.

Connect with the photo: Sun, Moon, Nautilus Passage handcrafted by artist, Corinna Sephora, located in the Atlanta Botanical Gardens. The Nautilus enlarges its shell to prepare it for its next stage of life. 

By being broken open, I'm more whole than I've ever been.

Yet, honestly, I'm in a place of overwhelm.

I'm meeting a lifetime of stories that have been hidden. I've held back so much. I've withheld so much pain and trauma that needs to be shared. 

I've gripped so tightly to the notion that telling my story might be begging for assurance that I am enough - as a healer, as an entrepreneur, as a writer, as a partner, as a friend - as a human being. I question my worth on a continual basis. 

I've come face to face with the shadow within me. I've come face to face with the darkness of fear, anxiety and trauma. 

It's ok.

The deep, dark in me meets the deep, dark in you. By that encounter, we create light. By that encounter, we create connection. I've healed more than just my body this past year. 

I'm ready.

Ready to continue the unburdening, ready to continue the un-wounding. I'm ready to speak my truth. I'm ready to chronicle my journey. My stories have worth. My stories have value. I have worth. I have value. I can be out in the Universe and not be scared. It is safe. Prolonged fear does that to you, causes you to sell yourself short. Living under traumatic conditions does that to you, causes you to hide your story, hide your self. They've done that to me for far too long. 

I'm ready to own my journey.  

I am so grateful for the practices that ground me. I'm incredibly grateful for my tribe, connected beyond time and space. You are here, with me, in my heart. I know I can and will have an open place to live and love. I have the capacity for wide, open space, as I chase wide, open places. I know, in my heart, that all is well. As I sift through the distant memories of a year ago, I let go and know that I'm still healing, daily, and that as I peel back the layers, I have so much to learn. And so much to give. 

As I peel back the layers, I reveal layers of dark and light. All are welcome here. 

“Build thee more stately mansions, O my soul….Let each new temple, nobler than the last, Shut thee from heaven with a dome more vast, Till thou at length art free, Leaving thine outgrown shell by life’s unresting sea! ”

— ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes

New Year, New You, New Me

The New Year ushers in a fiery spirit that engenders change. However, this week I noticed the treadmills that thumped with resolutions over the last 30 days have gone silent. The waiting lists at the local yoga studio have vanished. Rather than grabbing the last bunch of kale at Whole Foods like I have over the last four weeks, I had my pick of the stack this past Saturday. How have the goals created a mere month ago already slipped from daily routines?

As a Coach, I know what goals look like without support and accountability. On my personal path, I’ve realized what goals look like without intention. Over the last year in my own life, I’ve replaced goals entirely, using intentions and my feelings to light my way (more on that in another blog post).

Thich Nhat Hanh, an incredible visionary and Zen Buddhist Monk, asks us to ponder a poignant question in this talk, "will the New Year really be a new year, or will it be just a repetition of the old year?" His answer? It depends entirely on us. He continues to say, "so in order for the New Year to be new, you have to renew yourself. You have to make yourself new. That is why in Plum Village this year we have the sentence: 'New Year, New Me'. I need to have a new me in order to really enjoy the New Year…If we know the practice of mindful breathing, mindful walking, mindful dealing with pain, sorrow, and anger, we can improve the quality of our actions, improve the quality of our life, improve the quality of our days, and months, and years."

Connect with the photo: Mindfully walking one of my favorite paths at Radnor Lake in Nashville, TN.

The path to mindful living is here, AWAITING you to step UPON it.

Start now, with these three tips for mindful living:

1) Connect with your breath, right now, in this moment. This can literally be done in less than one minute:

Close your eyes. Feel your connection to the earth through your feet if seated in a chair, and through your Sitz bones (the bones at the bottom of your pelvis), if seated on the floor. Take a deep inhalation, breathing into the present moment. Release a deep exhalation, letting go of anything that isn't serving you in this moment. Inhale again deeply, feeling the expansion of your body with the breath. Exhale, letting go, sinking in more deeply to your seat. Inhale one last time, tuning into the sensations within your body. Notice where you might be holding any tension. Finally, exhale, releasing any tension. Feel your body and mind come to quiet.

2) Extend your intentional breathing into a 5 minute daily meditation.

You may choose to use the three breaths described above to start a meditation in which you simply tune into the sensations in your body. Notice the rise and fall of the body with each cycle of breath. Notice where the body is heavy and where it is light. Notice where you hold tension, releasing it with each exhale, when you are ready. Notice any temperature sensations that arise, where you are hot, warm, cool or cold. Practicing in the same place, at the same time each day, holds space for routine and invites habit.

3) Practice mindful eating.

Mindful eating allows you to fully taste your food, aids digestion and leads to a beautiful appreciation for your food sources and the time (and choices) you make to nourish your body. It takes 20 minutes for the body to realize it's full. As you learn to eat mindfully, your meal may extend to the point at which your body indicates it's full within the meal itself, assisting you with portion control.

Start with one meal per week, in which you eat mindfully for several minutes. To prepare for mindful eating, reduce distractions by turning off your phone, computer and tv. Sit at a table that is uncluttered. Take a deep breath, preparing a smaller bite than you usually would intake. Take a bite, placing your fork or food down after this first bite. If you would like to, close your eyes as you chew. Notice the textures of your food. Masticate longer than you normally would, breaking down the food slowly. Notice the flavors that stand out and which are barely perceptible. As you finish swallowing, take a deep breath. Notice how your body feels as you nourish yourself.  

I encourage you to rekindle the fire of the New Year, stoking it internally, through mindful living to foster more sustainable change. There are many opportunities throughout our day in which we can truly create a new experience. Ask yourself, “how might I create a new me in this New Year?” "In this month?" "Today?" "Right now, in this moment, how can I create a new me?"