I Saw the Light
I died two years and 11 days ago on the operating table.
I realized it this morning amidst tears upon waking from a night of restless sleep.
As I laid there, I questioned it. I unpacked it. I untangled it.
Two weeks ago, my teacher said she saw me as healed and whole. I didn't believe her.
I didn't believe her until this morning amidst tears upon waking from a night of restless sleep.
Untangling truth.
I find myself in a constant state of untangling truth.
I realized this morning that both my death and my healing/wholeness result from choosing love.
I was raised in fear.
I was raised by a mother who didn't have the privilege of recognizing her own light.
Bipolar Disorder, untangled mental health issues and trauma dimmed any hope she ever had of realizing her own light. Being susceptible to that darkness, that Bipolar Disorder, those mental health issues and that trauma have long since been my biggest fears.
The closer I come to my spiritual Self, the more I dance with Angels, feel Spirit and know the unknowable, the greater my fear is triggered. Am I becoming like my mom? Am I delusional? Have I inherited the darkness she inherited?
I was taught to fear my dad. I haven't seen him in 29 years, but that residual fear was ingrained long ago. I festered hatred for him for many years. Stories of infidelity, instability, mistrust and addiction were relayed. My mother had no choice but to fear him. Her culture, beliefs and past behavior served her up with no choice, with no accessible light.
I forgive my mother.
She did the best she could with what she had.
May all between us become pure light.
I forgive my father.
He did the best he could with what he had.
May all between us become pure light.
I closely held my parents' darkness as the largest fear of my life until realizing a greater fear two years and 11 days ago, when I thought I was going to die on the operating table.
This morning, I realized Truth.
I realized that I trust no thing. I realized that I trust no one.
I also recognized, perhaps for the very first time in my life, my Light.
I acknowledge that I realized my greatest fear. I did die on that operating table.
Benign tumors, my uterus, ancient issues, lineage trauma, parts of my Self, parts of my mother, parts of my father, parts of anyone who ever has or will hurt my heart, parts of my darkness, parts of their darkness were all cut out.
They were sacrificed so that I could realize, in this very moment right here, my own Light.
I choose to recognize my wholeness.
I choose to recognize that I am healed.
I choose to recognize my Light.
I choose light.
I choose love.
As an introvert raised by fear, every choice I make to connect takes courage. Every revelation takes courage. Every word of this blog takes courage. Every phone call, text message, email takes courage. Every relationship I enter into takes courage.
Every choice of light over dark takes courage.
Every choice of love over fear takes courage.
Each and every time I choose to come closer, rather than crawl in a hole, I choose courage.
Each and every time I choose the light, I choose courage.
Each and every time I choose love, I choose courage.
Taking/Choosing Giving/Receiving Same/Same
May this ancient prayer of ancestral forgiveness guide you to your healing, your wholeness, your Light, your Dark, your love and your death. Same/same:
If I, my families, relatives or ancestors have offended you, your families, relatives or ancestors in thoughts, words, or actions from the beginning of our creation to the present, humbly, humbly we ask everyone for forgiveness for all of our errors. We ask that together we now be released from all unwanted bonds and memories, and that all between us become pure light.
Obeisance to you, Oh, gentle ancestors
May the traumas of all ancestors, living and passed on, be healed.
May it Be So. Now. Shanti Shanti.
Infinite love and gratitude to my teachers, friends, family, relatives, ancestors and every being who has recognized the Light in me. Thank you for inviting me to gracefully seek and find the Light within me. ♥