Month Two: The Choice
Nearly shattered my long-held dream.
I nearly allowed your darkness
To shatter my long-held dream.
The sound of your darkness
Drowns out the preacher’s voice blaring from the radio each Sunday morning.
The darkness so claustrophobic
I could barely breathe most days.
For weeks, I starved physically,
Today I starve emotionally and spiritually.
The eggshells upon which I walk cut through my very soul.
The barrage of your attacks is incessant.
I feel myself drowning, fading, my spirit waning,
As an entity meant to keep me safe has fallen short in countless ways.
Looking for someone to rescue me to no avail.
Countless ways of not being heard, not given voice, being dismissed, belittled.
All my power relinquished.
All control relinquished.
I feel like nothing.
I feel so small, so betrayed, so heartbroken.
What happens to the dream deferred,
That when leapt for,
Doesn’t fit the ideal?
So many tears shed.
I almost walked away.
I almost said goodbye.
To the red earth.
To the smiing children.
To the opportunity of what’s to come.
I get to walk away from your darkness.
I choose to leave your darkness here.
I vow not to take it on.
I vow not to take it into my body.
I vow to leave the anger, disappointment, despair, heartbreak in these lines –
The darkness goes no further.
It compromised my learning, my energy, my mood.
Was I my best self most days?
For that, I forgive myself.
I did the best I could with what I had.
What I have now is a new chapter,
A threshold to step through.
I choose to step through.
I choose to save myself.
As I walk through the threshold, I will never
May you fare well.
I. Choose. My. Light.
I choose to step through.
I release you.
May you, too, find your light.
With hope for the next chapter, I choose to step through.
The “darkness” referred to above speaks to the shadow of Self that exists within us all. Through conscious choice, we may cultivate our inner light. Through conscious action, we may sit with our shadow and understand her better.
This work is part of a collection of writings that chronicles my Peace Corps service. Trauma and race have greatly impacted South Africa. Much has been written and processed around both. I may look explore these topics and their intersection with healing in the coming months. I aspire to relay my emotional and spiritual 27-month journey of service in the Peace Corps in South Africa. I am grateful you’ve chosen to join me. ♥
The content of this website is mine alone and does not necessarily reflect the views of the U.S. Government, the Peace Corps, or the South African Government.