The Shadow of the Holidays

“Joy” - Philadelphia, PA, December 2023

I spent this past Christmas alone. My family experienced their first bout of COVID the week before. I was fully immersed in my new role amidst the typical year-end busyness of a bustling nonprofit. As the holiday inched closer, an idea sprouted and I wondered if I’d survive.

Some of the deepest wounding of my upbringing (and my lineage) centered around holidays. Last year, as Christmas neared, I realized that I was being presented with an opportunity to face my deepest-held fear. I asked myself what it might be like to spend Christmas alone. I sat with what I would tell myself and what I would tell others. I considered the internal dialogue that might occur as I sat with my own solitude during “the most wonderful time of the year”. I was genuinely curious about whether I could live through it.

Four months earlier, I awoke the day after the dissolution of a relationship in which I envisioned a future and uttered seven words that shook me to my core. As I stirred in the morning light, my first thought was, “what do I have to live for?” I sat with an immense sadness at the very depth of my soul and immediately recognized this was not the seemingly simple question it appeared to be. Rather, it set off five alarm level fire warnings internally.

While the despair I felt in that very moment was unfamiliar to me personally, it felt inexplicably recognizable. Mental health challenges have long since been the biggest fear of my life. Existing as this lurking, dark shadow for as long as I can remember, I’ve been trying to outrun the deep-seated patterns of imbalance. Suicidal ideation, and follow through, have been woven through both sides of my lineage. What I experienced in those early morning moments last August touched a vastness so deep, it felt like it had the potential to swallow me whole.

Instead of diving deeper into its depths, I knew I had to take notice of the gravity of my current situation and mental health state. Unlike so many of the generations before me, I had resources.

I made a series of calls to a handful of beloveds and unabashedly explained how I was feeling. For someone who struggles with articulating her needs and asking for help, I realized this as an another fight for survival. I credit these sweet souls with intimately and carefully holding me as I shared my most tender vulnerabilities and asked for what I needed. And, I recognize and am proud of myself for reaching out and saving my own life.

“Joy Too” - Airborne over Philadelphia, PA, September 2023

I’m incredibly afraid of heights. Yet, a week after my darkest hour, I jumped out of a plane, not as a death wish, rather, in the spirit of it being a life wish. I asked myself that same pivotal question, with a different inflection point, “What do I have to live for?”

I’ve answered that question repeatedly in the choices that I’ve made since August. With the help of my therapist, I devised a safety plan that has served as the foundation upon which I have intentionally fabricated a healthier scaffolding. I’ve mindfully rebuilt my life these last nine months.

I’ve cultivated meaningful relationships. I discovered a myriad of communities and activities that have breathed life back into my very soul. From authentic relating to ecstatic dance to dragon boating, each time I connect and dance and paddle, I am choosing life over and over again, affirming my will to live. I have crafted a safety net that my ancestors never knew. I am healing the lineage each time I hit the dance floor, float on the water and share my story.

As I reflect on the life I’ve lived, I choose to face my fears head on - again and again.

I decided to spend Christmas alone in hopes of meeting the very thing I’ve spent a lifetime fearing. I’ve met myself in the rawest forms. I’ve met my anxiety and depression. I’ve met my resilience and my triumph. I’ve met my heartbreak and my despair.

I continue to meet my shadow. I continue to meet my light.

I continue to navigate the waters of loneliness and am growing to accept myself moment by moment. ♥

Resources:

♥ If you are struggling with your mental health or are having thoughts of suicide, the National Suicide Hotline is available to via talk, text or chat at 988.

♥ Through the International Association for Suicide Prevention's website, you can access your country’s resource lines if you are feeling like you may harm yourself.

♥ Hey Sam is a peer to peer texting program for youth feeling lonely, depressed or having thoughts of suicide. They can be reached by texting 439726 from 9am to midnight EST.

♥ Trevor Lifeline is available 24/7 to assist LGBTQ+ youth in crisis by texting 679678.