cocoon

Written July 12, 2015

I am grateful for those experiences that turn my world upside down.

I am grateful for the different viewpoint.

I am grateful for the upheaval, the unburdening. 

I am grateful to have this time to reflect. I have so much light inside me. I have so much soul and heart inside me.

I love my life. 

I am grateful for my perspective. I am grateful for my ability to speak my Truth. I respect myself. I love myself. I am in this place of love. I have a cocoon of love surrounding me, nurturing me and healing me. 

cocoon is part of a series of writings that chronicles my current travels in Southeast Asia. 

Living the Search

June 2015

I shaved my head, I gifted or sold nearly everything I owned. I took this seriously. I set out mid-April on a soul quest, a sojourn, a spiritual journey halfway across the world.

My expedition in Southeast Asia started in Bali in April and is planned to end in Bali in January 2016 - 9 months. I'm birthing a new concept of self in these nine months. That much is clear from my journey thus far. 

Eighteen years ago, I had my first taste of international travel and I was hooked. I've spent the last eighteen years daydreaming about making extended travel a reality. It seems like a long time to wait. Had the journey taken place anytime over the last eighteen years, though, I don't think it would have had the spiritual depth this current trip carries with it. 

As I awoke one morning while still back in the States, I realized the gravity of the pilgrimage and started referring to it as a spiritual journey. By naming it, the magic started happening. 

I created rituals and wove intention into each step of the adventure. Doors opened and abundance and synchronicities abounded. As soon as I quit my day job, client referrals spiked. As I ridded myself of material goods, I felt lighter. The opportunities to say goodbye to friends and family became crystal clear and the timing worked out perfectly.   

As I talked with others about my upcoming travel plans, it inspired them to see themselves, and their own lives, in a different way. The question, "what's your Bali?" came to fruition. 

The spirit of the question, "what's your Bali?" is rooted in an intuitive sense, living the search for your Bali, rather than grasping at it in an intellectual way. The question spurred travel plans for some people, while others contemplated the nature of their roots, encouraging a home purchase, the pursuit of a promotion at work, validation of the power of existing relationships or a shifting in parenting styles. Others were inspired to downsize and still others thought about the aspects of their lives they wanted to change - career, relationships, finances or health situations. 

Nearly two months in, I recognize that living the search for me has a lot to do with major shake ups and dramatic acts like shaving my head or ridding of home, job and nearly everything I own. These acts serve as reminders to myself of the sanctity of the journey, reminders about why I'm doing this - to evolve myself, to learn and grow and to live the search.  I'm a seeker. I yearn to recognize the sacred in the everyday, to see the holy in the mundane. Travel provides me with perspective and cultivates opportunities for gratitude, as well as the uprooting I needed to foster a new appreciation for my life. 

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First Bali Beach - Sanur Beach, Sanur, Bali, Indonesia

Your shifts may look very different. Your Bali may have an entirely different flavor, color and shape. Regardless of your path, I encourage you to think about the question, "what is my Bali?"

What is that thing you've been yearning for, that thing you've been putting off, that thing that echoes your very heart song, your soul whisper, the thing you long for, the person you yearn to become, the role you dream about fulfilling - that thing, your thing, your Bali?

As I found through naming my travel "spiritual," intention inherently sparks magic. So, grab your journal and alight your magic! 

Take some quiet time to reflect on the following and feel free to share your beautiful revelations in the comments below:

• What have I been dreaming about doing?
• What might be holding me back?
• How can you I live my search to bring me closer to that experience?
• What's my Bali?

Stay tuned for the rest of the series of writings I crafted over the last 8 months of travel through Bali and beyond. ♥

Raw

I underestimated the power of vulnerability. With all the therapy and all the Brené Brown, you'd think I'd have known better. 

Instead of the promised revelations about the inner journey, I isolated. I turned inward. It is hard to describe a raw, journey of the heart. It is hard to strip down and be real. It is harder than I ever imagined. 

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Circle of Life in Ninh Binh, Vietnam

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Dockside Rainbow in Koh Rong Samloem, Cambodia

I envisioned a nine month trip full of rainbows and butterflies. I've seen plenty of both during my travels, but it doesn't characterize the nature of vulnerability or reality - the whole picture, that is.

This has been a hard journey, one of the hardest of my life, but I wouldn't take it back or trade it in. For the lessons I have learned, the choices I have made and the experiences I have had are priceless.

There have been many, many difficult times on this trip. There have been many times when my heart has absolutely sung. There have also been many times when my heart has absolutely shattered.  

I'm ready for courage. I'm ready for naked, raw vulnerability. My heart and soul have been crying out for some truth, scratching at the surface for some connection and screaming for some reality outside of that which exists directly in front of me.

Travel is not easy. It changes you, whether you are ready for change or not. Oftentimes, you have no choice. You have to leap. You have to leap and trust there is a net to catch that big, bold, wild and beautiful soul of yours who just had the raw courage to jump.

This is the first in a collection of writings that chronicles my current travels in Southeast Asia. 

Layers Healed, Layers Revealed

A year ago today, I firmly believed I was scheduled to die. Leading up to that day, I'd had visions of myself courageously dancing into the OR.

It didn't quite go down like that.

Instead, every cell in my body quivered. I was a bundle of nerves and a puddle of tears shortly after arriving at the hospital. I couldn't stop shaking. After my name was called and I was ushered to the room to be prepped for surgery, I thought I was not going to make it. Much of the rest of what happened that day is a blur. 

My cells remembered, though, as I parked the car this morning and walked to the building for my physical therapy appointment. Scheduled on the same day, just a year ago, one floor down, I must have needed something radical, like the removal of enormous benign tumors and the relinquishment of ever birthing children, so that I could awaken to the beauty of my life, so that I could awaken from surgery and live. 

Living is about breaking open.

Connect with the photo: Sun, Moon, Nautilus Passage handcrafted by artist, Corinna Sephora, located in the Atlanta Botanical Gardens. The Nautilus enlarges its shell to prepare it for its next stage of life. 

By being broken open, I'm more whole than I've ever been.

Yet, honestly, I'm in a place of overwhelm.

I'm meeting a lifetime of stories that have been hidden. I've held back so much. I've withheld so much pain and trauma that needs to be shared. 

I've gripped so tightly to the notion that telling my story might be begging for assurance that I am enough - as a healer, as an entrepreneur, as a writer, as a partner, as a friend - as a human being. I question my worth on a continual basis. 

I've come face to face with the shadow within me. I've come face to face with the darkness of fear, anxiety and trauma. 

It's ok.

The deep, dark in me meets the deep, dark in you. By that encounter, we create light. By that encounter, we create connection. I've healed more than just my body this past year. 

I'm ready.

Ready to continue the unburdening, ready to continue the un-wounding. I'm ready to speak my truth. I'm ready to chronicle my journey. My stories have worth. My stories have value. I have worth. I have value. I can be out in the Universe and not be scared. It is safe. Prolonged fear does that to you, causes you to sell yourself short. Living under traumatic conditions does that to you, causes you to hide your story, hide your self. They've done that to me for far too long. 

I'm ready to own my journey.  

I am so grateful for the practices that ground me. I'm incredibly grateful for my tribe, connected beyond time and space. You are here, with me, in my heart. I know I can and will have an open place to live and love. I have the capacity for wide, open space, as I chase wide, open places. I know, in my heart, that all is well. As I sift through the distant memories of a year ago, I let go and know that I'm still healing, daily, and that as I peel back the layers, I have so much to learn. And so much to give. 

As I peel back the layers, I reveal layers of dark and light. All are welcome here. 

“Build thee more stately mansions, O my soul….Let each new temple, nobler than the last, Shut thee from heaven with a dome more vast, Till thou at length art free, Leaving thine outgrown shell by life’s unresting sea! ”

— ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes

New Year, New You, New Me

The New Year ushers in a fiery spirit that engenders change. However, this week I noticed the treadmills that thumped with resolutions over the last 30 days have gone silent. The waiting lists at the local yoga studio have vanished. Rather than grabbing the last bunch of kale at Whole Foods like I have over the last four weeks, I had my pick of the stack this past Saturday. How have the goals created a mere month ago already slipped from daily routines?

As a Coach, I know what goals look like without support and accountability. On my personal path, I’ve realized what goals look like without intention. Over the last year in my own life, I’ve replaced goals entirely, using intentions and my feelings to light my way (more on that in another blog post).

Thich Nhat Hanh, an incredible visionary and Zen Buddhist Monk, asks us to ponder a poignant question in this talk, "will the New Year really be a new year, or will it be just a repetition of the old year?" His answer? It depends entirely on us. He continues to say, "so in order for the New Year to be new, you have to renew yourself. You have to make yourself new. That is why in Plum Village this year we have the sentence: 'New Year, New Me'. I need to have a new me in order to really enjoy the New Year…If we know the practice of mindful breathing, mindful walking, mindful dealing with pain, sorrow, and anger, we can improve the quality of our actions, improve the quality of our life, improve the quality of our days, and months, and years."

Connect with the photo: Mindfully walking one of my favorite paths at Radnor Lake in Nashville, TN.

The path to mindful living is here, AWAITING you to step UPON it.

Start now, with these three tips for mindful living:

1) Connect with your breath, right now, in this moment. This can literally be done in less than one minute:

Close your eyes. Feel your connection to the earth through your feet if seated in a chair, and through your Sitz bones (the bones at the bottom of your pelvis), if seated on the floor. Take a deep inhalation, breathing into the present moment. Release a deep exhalation, letting go of anything that isn't serving you in this moment. Inhale again deeply, feeling the expansion of your body with the breath. Exhale, letting go, sinking in more deeply to your seat. Inhale one last time, tuning into the sensations within your body. Notice where you might be holding any tension. Finally, exhale, releasing any tension. Feel your body and mind come to quiet.

2) Extend your intentional breathing into a 5 minute daily meditation.

You may choose to use the three breaths described above to start a meditation in which you simply tune into the sensations in your body. Notice the rise and fall of the body with each cycle of breath. Notice where the body is heavy and where it is light. Notice where you hold tension, releasing it with each exhale, when you are ready. Notice any temperature sensations that arise, where you are hot, warm, cool or cold. Practicing in the same place, at the same time each day, holds space for routine and invites habit.

3) Practice mindful eating.

Mindful eating allows you to fully taste your food, aids digestion and leads to a beautiful appreciation for your food sources and the time (and choices) you make to nourish your body. It takes 20 minutes for the body to realize it's full. As you learn to eat mindfully, your meal may extend to the point at which your body indicates it's full within the meal itself, assisting you with portion control.

Start with one meal per week, in which you eat mindfully for several minutes. To prepare for mindful eating, reduce distractions by turning off your phone, computer and tv. Sit at a table that is uncluttered. Take a deep breath, preparing a smaller bite than you usually would intake. Take a bite, placing your fork or food down after this first bite. If you would like to, close your eyes as you chew. Notice the textures of your food. Masticate longer than you normally would, breaking down the food slowly. Notice the flavors that stand out and which are barely perceptible. As you finish swallowing, take a deep breath. Notice how your body feels as you nourish yourself.  

I encourage you to rekindle the fire of the New Year, stoking it internally, through mindful living to foster more sustainable change. There are many opportunities throughout our day in which we can truly create a new experience. Ask yourself, “how might I create a new me in this New Year?” "In this month?" "Today?" "Right now, in this moment, how can I create a new me?"